My fears

If you see my whole life, through my lovers and boyfriends, I'm the one who always have the last word on my relationships. I've been thinking about what is that factor that causes this kind of behaviour on me.

Since I was a child, I remember my mom used to tell me "be careful", "don't go that way", "I told you". My father has always been "You have to be cautious", "You never know what's gonna happen tomorrow."

You'll see, last year I was trying to buy my very own stuff, so I was about to buy my flat screen tv, I had the money. So I went to my dad and said "I'm going to buy an expensive tv" and he was like worried because maybe there was going to be a new technology, so the best for him was to wait. That left me thinking. I can't believe that 1 minute ago I was so sure about buying my flat screen tv, and then I had this insecurity in me. How powerful is mind, I thought in that moment.

My whole life I've been afraid of doing some things. I was afraid about telling my family I was gay. I was affraid that I could never finish my high school. I was affraid that I wasn't doing the right thing with Vidal, that maybe I should have believed what he was saying.

Recently, I met on the internet a canadian guy, who at first looked so chilled, so cool, so fresh. I underestimated him. He in fact is the most chilled, cool and fresh guy you could ever meet in the whole world.

We were having a chat one day (a regular chat), and he suddenly was writing sentences, like if he were mad at me. Sometimes you can feel the other person at the other side of your laptop. I felt he got mad at me and I was so sorry about it. But there's something I wasn't understanding then. He found my fears and more than that, he said: "stop trying to be your mother or father who projests there opinone when they should be quict and let people live..." All I understood was "bla, bla, bla. Don't be like your parents who doesn't let people live their own lifes" At that moment, I found myself in a boxing-ring, I'm in one corner, and my fears are in the other one. And this canadian guy was my couch.

I've been trying hard to live my own life. Is just that I have so many things to have in mind. But I know and my mom in heaven knows I'm trying hard to show everybody that I'm living my own life now. I've changed so many things in me. I had to fight with people I love. I had to suffer the cold streets of this city in the night, when insecurity sprouts from the sidewalks. As I say, I'm on my way to reach my own happyness. All this can only make me proud of the path that I'm working on. It doesn't matter if people around me don't agree with it.

I have to battle my own demons, to be finally happy with what I do, and don't feel scared about doing new stuff.

This is plane theory, though. Now it's time to put it on practice.